In a suburban home strikingly similar to every other house on the block, local mom Karen Patterson has reportedly issued her 487th consecutive threat that she will undoubtedly not follow through. Witnesses report that it’s not just her two children that know the local mom is full of empty threats, the whole school knows.
“I mean it this time, I will count to three and if you don’t clean up your toys, there will be consequences,” Patterson lied with a conviction that was immediately called into question by both her children and even the family’s misbehaved beagle. Counting to three, which has been a staple in the Patterson household, frequently ends with Karen giving up and scrolling through Instagram on her phone.
The children, aged 7 and 9, have reportedly developed an immunity to their mother’s threats, often continuing their activities with an air of confidence that only comes from years of unenforced ultimatums. “At this point, it’s almost like Mom is just practicing counting,” whispered the youngest, as he continued to draw on the living room wall with a permanent marker.
“We’ve seen this pattern before,” says Dr. Emily Strauss, a family psychologist. “Telling your child they won’t get candy unless they clean their room, but without follow-through, is about as effective as trying to catch a cloud with a net.”
Neighbors report that they have noticed the pattern as well. Last summer, she reportedly told her children that “this is the last time I’m asking you to clean your room,” a statement that has been repeated every Saturday morning like a ritual chant.
Despite the ongoing power struggle, Patterson remains hopeful. “Next time, they’ll see I mean business,” she stated, before being distracted by pouring another tall glass of red wine.
As the saga continues, child behaviorists around the country are tuning in, citing the Patterson household as a fascinating case study in weak-willed parents versus childhood indifference. Meanwhile, the children have reportedly started a betting pool on whether their mom will follow through with her threat of grounding. Spoiler alert: the odds are not in her favor.
