Not Me, an 8-year-old living in an undisclosed American suburb, is currently serving an estimated 30 life sentences of grounding after being blamed for broken windows, carpet stains, and holes in drywall in homes nationwide. Children everywhere are responding, “Not Me.” whenever asked about who was responsible for any accident around the house, leading parents to mistakenly accumulate charges against this tragically-named youth.
Not Me was born to parents Claire and Bob, who chose the name because it was unique. Little did they know, their decision would lead their son to be the most blamed child in the nation. Even Bob admitted, “We thought it would be a quirky and fun name. We didn’t think through the consequences of naming him that. Now, he’s on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.”
It began innocently enough with reports of a family heirloom vase broken in rural Georgia. When questioned who broke the vase, 7-year-old Cletus looked his mother square in the eye and said, “Not Me.” His mother, oblivious to the lie, called the police to report a crime committed by Not Me.
The scenario played out similarly in countless homes across America. It wasn’t long before a support group titled “Parents Against Not Me” was founded on Facebook. Within weeks, its membership swelled to over 20,000 frustrated parents sharing testimonies of “Not Me” ruining their valuables, carpet, and marriages.
Tiffany Mitchell, founder of the support group, declared, “It’s time we bring this young hooligan to justice! My little angel Ashley would never break anything; she told me Not Me did it.”
Legal experts are baffled by the case. Constitutional lawyer Jonathan Grimes commented, “I’ve never seen anything like it. We have tens of thousands of testimonies nationwide against Not Me, but no direct evidence linking him to any of the crimes. Besides, he’s only eight! There has to be a limit to his grounding sentence. How is he ever going to move out of the house? We’re in murky legal waters here.”
Psychologists are equally puzzled. Dr. Linda Fredericks stated, “Children often create imaginary culprits to avoid blame, but this is the first time an imaginary figure has had a real-life counterpart. It’s really turning the criminal justice system and early childhood education upside down.”
Efforts to exonerate Not Me have thus far been unsuccessful, primarily because no one can agree on whose jurisdiction he falls under. Not Me’s parents have recently launched a GoFundMe page to hire a team of lawyers specializing in name change procedures and imaginary crimes. They even considered faking his death and starting a new life in the witness protection program. His mother Claire added “We could max out a bunch of credit cards in his name before his fake death. Good luck collecting on that, debt collectors. I shouldn’t have said that out loud. Can you please cut that from the record?”
Meanwhile, Not Me remains optimistic, “I’m considering starting a business where I’m a scapegoat for hire. I could take the blame for anything a kid could get in trouble for, as long as the price is right.
At the end of our interview, Not Me admitted “I’m just worried about my sister. Her name is I Dunno. It’s only a matter of time until she catches some undeserved heat too. Can you believe my parents named our dog Bomb? You can only imagine how problematic it is to yell that at a public park. How could two people be so bad at names?”
