Local father Tom Harris, 46, recently made the heart-wrenching decision to sell the family’s cherished cabin up north to accommodate his son Billy’s incessant desire to play the most expensive positions in high school sports. “He’s never once said he wanted to be a left fielder, a soccer striker, or—God forbid—join the debate club. No, my boy wants to be a goalie, a catcher, golfer and lacrosse enthusiast,” Harris lamented. “Next thing you know, he’ll ask to venture into equestrian sports like Dressage. I swear, if this kid doesn’t go pro, I’m never retiring.”
Harris, who was initially elated that his son took an interest in sports, soon found himself navigating an inescapable labyrinth of costly equipment and travel fees. “I was actually looking forward to being a soccer dad, you know, maybe just buy some cleats and a water bottle. But Billy had to choose being a hockey goalie, where the pads alone cost as much as a used car,” he said.
The financial black hole didn’t stop at hockey. “Just when I thought we were in the clear, he gets an interest in lacrosse and catching in baseball. I had to Google ‘what is the most expensive position in baseball?’ I knew I was in for a wild ride when ‘catcher’ popped up,” Harris noted, visibly stressed as he browsed through second mortgages online.
Close friends and family are not surprised by Harris’s predicament. “Tom always wanted the best for Billy, but this is classic Billy,” chuckled neighbor Karen Mitchell. “I remember when he was seven, and he insisted on having a birthday party at a five-star hotel. The kid’s got champagne taste on a beer budget, and by ‘beer budget,’ I mean his dad’s.”
Harris’s wife, Sarah, revealed her attempts at steering Billy towards less financially draining activities. “I tried introducing him to the debate club. I even tried to make it cool by calling it ‘verbal fencing.’ But he just looked at me like I had suggested he take up professional napping.”
Billy, seemingly aware of his father’s distress but unphased by it, recently approached his dad with a new business proposal. “He handed me a PowerPoint presentation about investing in a personal helicopter for his commute to games and practices. Said it would save on gas and time,” Tom Harris recounted, now considering a career switch to stand-up comedy because, at this point, life’s a joke and he’s just waiting for the punchline. “He even had the audacity to include a slide on how the helicopter could double as a family vacation vehicle. He titled it ‘Synergy.’ I couldn’t tell if I was at a Silicon Valley startup pitch or in a deleted scene from the Mad Men.
Amid all the financial strain, Harris is clinging onto a glimmer of hope. “If Billy really does go pro in any of these sports, I might be able to retire before 80,” he said, sighing as he glanced at local nursing home prices. “Until then, if you need me, I’ll be Ubering during my lunch breaks to afford his lacrosse dues.”
In a recent development, Billy Harris was seen watching the Olympics Equestrian Dressage event with “interest and excitement,” prompting Tom Harris to explore the possibility of selling a kidney on the black market.
