In a revelation that has left northwest Iowa’s local community both stunned and scratching their heads, high school football sensation Ed “The Bulldozer” Benton has been unmasked. It turns out that the teen prodigy is, in fact, a 23-year-old man who posed as a student to rule the football field. This bombshell has not only dumbfounded rivals but also prompted questions about the very integrity of high school sports.
Coach Carl Mercer of the competing Creek Falls Warthogs wasn’t taken aback by the news about the unstoppable running back from the Emmetsburg Raging Roosters. He commented in an exclusive interview, “I’ve been in the football coaching game for over 20 years. I’ve never seen the likes of this. This kid, or rather man, has a chiseled jawline, full beard, and a deep booming voice. He bulldozed our entire defense without even breaking his stride. I just don’t know how our scrawny pimple-faced teens can compete. Half my team’s voices haven’t even dropped yet and this guy has back hair. It’s absurd.”
The deception became dangerous during a recent game against scrappy underdogs, the Sheldon Bulldogs. We spoke with Brayden Ahlers, an undersized defensive lineman who played against Ed and his team last Friday. He described the experience with wide-eyed amazement. “Man, it was like trying to tackle a freight train! The whole defense tried to stop him, and he just flattened us all without slowing down. I swear, he looked straight into my soul before knocking me into the next county. I won’t be forgetting that anytime soon.”
To further prove Ed’s age, school cafeteria workers recall that instead of the typical teenager’s preference for pepperoni pizza, he regularly asked for black coffee and made references to “the good old days”. One lunch lady, Gertrude, even recounted a suspicious event where Ed supposedly pulled a muscle while trying to “floss” dance, grumbling about how “back in his day, the Macarena was the only dance you needed to know.” Additionally, several students claim they overheard him in the bathroom giving pep talks to his receding hairline, chanting, “It’s just a few strands, Edward. Don’t let it get to you.”
Rumors surrounding Ed’s true age have been swirling for months, with whispers of him applying for a mortgage and has allegedly been seen buying beer. Some locals claim to have spotted him wearing New Balance shoes and passionately discussing after-tax retirement accounts. The truth came to light when a whistleblower at the local DMV revealed his records show he is 23 years old and not even a registered organ donor..
News of Ed’s astonishing lies spread like wildfire, leaving opposing teams and their fans grappling with a mix of disbelief, confusion, and deep anger. Suddenly, the legitimacy of high school football games is being called into question, and people are wondering just how far this deception has infiltrated the sport. One thing is for sure, northwest Iowa highschool football and its records will never be the same.
