KinderCare announced today that, effective immediately, the cost of child care will require parents to sacrifice an arm or a leg—possibly both if they desire premium services such as snacks, lunch, and sunscreen.
“Given the current state of inflation and the rapidly rising costs of literally everything, it was only a matter of time before we had to re-evaluate the economic structure of child care.” KinderCare spokesperson Louie Lootermore said.
The new policy has caused a stir among parents, many of whom are now faced with the difficult decision of which limb to part with. “I mean, I kind of need both my arms for my job,” said Teresa Toss, a professional juggler. “But I also need both legs to chase after my toddler. This is a tough call. I mean, I knew childcare for two was expensive, but I didn’t realize I’d literally have to give up an arm or a leg. Although, considering the price of sunscreen these days, maybe I should have seen this coming.”
To aid parents in this transition, the Kindercare is distributing pamphlets titled “Be Free with Three” which focuses on which limb to choose and tips on how to make the most of your remaining limbs. There are also rumors of a secondary market emerging where young adults are selling an appendage in exchange for college tuition money.
Critics have pointed out that the new policy does not consider amputees, but Lootermore dismissed these concerns. “We are looking into alternative options for these families, such as donating a kidney or perhaps just accepting their firstborn child.”
Despite the controversy, some parents are surprisingly optimistic. Tom Severance, a father of two, said, “I’m just relieved the price doesn’t include any major organs, yet. I opted to part with both of my legs. I’ve always been more of an arm guy anyway. Plus, with both my arms, I can still hug my kids.”
At press time Tattletale Times still has not received a response from Kindercare about what they plan to do with all of the limbs.
