Divorce lawyers across the nation are raising their glasses – and their billing rates – as Applebee’s sells out their new date night pass in only a few hours. The $200, 52 week date night deal is predicted to be responsible for a surge in divorce filings and salmonella.
“Arguments over food choices are just the tip of the iceberg.” warns divorce lawyer Anna Turney, who is already rubbing her hands together in anticipation. “It’s only a matter of time until the husband starts getting a little too familiar with the young, cute hostess he ogles every week. Applebee’s may call it Date Night, but I call it Exhibit A.”
“It’s astonishing how a seemingly innocent pass for a year’s worth of microwave-heated entrees can unravel the fabric of a marriage,” remarks divorce lawyer Anna Turney. “If 52 weeks of Applebee’s visits doesn’t create an irreparable void in a marriage, guzzling countless $1 Dollaritas and the inevitable onset of gastrointestinal distress surely will.”
Harvard law scholars have conducted extensive research, concluding that it may only take five Applebee’s Date Nights for couples to reach a point of no return. The heated debates over whether to order the Beef Neighborhood Nachos for the third week in a row or try giving the soggy Brew Pub Loaded Waffle Fries another try can be the catalyst for a divorce.
Applebee’s, unaware of the marital maelstrom they’ve unwittingly unleashed, divorce lawyers are strategically placing themselves near Applebee’s locations, ready to hand out business cards to couples engaged in heated debates over how many Sugar Dusted Donut Dippers is too much. “It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” divorce attorney Sue Debasterds says while imagining her new dream lake house. “I haven’t seen business this good since the invention of ‘irreconcilable differences. I may decorate it with hundreds of random, generic framed pictures as a tribute to their famous decor.”
As the year progresses, divorce lawyers sharpen their pencils and prepare for the workload that the Applebee’s Date Night Pass is sure to serve up. Couples, be warned – give it a break and treat yourself to TGI Friday’s sometimes.
