Amazon has always been an innovator and their new product has all the parents talking. Today at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Amazon has unveiled their newest product the Fire Sticky, a tablet geared towards children that comes pre-sticky straight from the factory.
“Parents all around the globe reached out to us with the same grievance,” said Jeff Bezos while showing the new device off while wearing black rubber gloves. “Every new tablet they bought for their children becomes inexplicably sticky within minutes. So, we thought, why not just cut out the middleman?”
The tablet, available in styles like “Fruit Punch Popsicle Drip” and “Jelly Hand Purple,” has undergone rigorous testing to ensure its texture matches the exact stickiness of a device that’s been held by a toddler eating a popsicle. “There’s even an upgrade to add drippy or dried snot for a small additional fee.” explained Bezos.
Insiders from the Amazon lab revealed that a team of engineers was tasked with studying the “perfect” level of stickiness. “We observed hundreds of children with ice cream, Kool-Aid, and other mysterious sticky things. We wanted to make sure we got that authentic ‘Ew, why is this so sticky? What even is that?’ feel,” one engineer reported.
Parents are raving about the time-saving feature. “It’s incredible! Now I don’t have to wait for my three-year-old to smear peanut butter on it. Amazon really understands the needs of modern parents,” said Lydia Jones, mother of five.
In addition to its sticky exterior, the Fire Sticky also boasts a built-in feature that replicates those peculiar fingerprint smudges and random screen smears right out of the box. “Now parents can play the guessing game of ‘Is that chocolate or poop?'” Bezos proudly stated.
Furthermore, the company has partnered with notable toy brands to release a range of accessories, including a protective case that looks and feels like cracker crumbs and a stylus that mimics the texture of a chewed crayon.
Not to be outdone, Apple is rumored to be developing the next generation of iPads that ship with pre-shattered screens, sparing parents the inevitable trauma of watching their child drop it on the tile kitchen floor dozens of times.
The Fire Sticky is set to be Amazon’s hottest holiday item, with pre-orders already filling up. The company is also considering launching other pre-damaged products, like toy sets already missing tiny pieces and shirts with pre-set spaghetti sauce stains.
