10-year-old Ollie Tabooger announced Monday that he is “absolutely going to fight back” against his older brother, 14-year-old Johnny Tabooger “once he’s had just 6 or 7 more beatings.”
“Mark my words, I’m going to retaliate. I swear, if he keeps this up for a couple more months or so, I’m definitely going to tell Mom or, you know, maybe even punch Johnny,” declared Ollie, while cautiously peering around the corner to ensure Johnny was not within earshot.
This isn’t the first time Ollie has made such a threat. Records indicate that he has been declaring his impending retaliation since 2019 but has continually moved the goalposts.
“In 2019, he said he’d fight back after 20 more beatings. In 2020, it became 15, and now he says 6 or 7 more. He’s essentially the Congressional budget of little brothers, always projecting action but never actually doing anything,” said Emily Tabooger, the 18-year-old eldest sibling.
When pressed for an explanation, Ollie cited a carefully thought-out strategy behind his ever-changing deadlines.
“See, if I keep him guessing, he’ll lower his guard eventually. And that’s when I’ll strike, like a ninja or maybe a cobra or, I don’t know, something else that’s cool and deadly,” Ollie mumbled while flipping through his Pokémon cards to find a creature that embodied his desired level of menace.
Experts, namely his classmates and neighbors, are skeptical of any forthcoming confrontation. Jack Snell, 11, Ollie’s best friend, says, “The last time Ollie tried to fight back, he tripped over his shoelaces, fell into the mud and his sweatpants fell down. It was both tragic and hilarious.”
Psychologists warn that continually moving one’s goalposts could lead to a cycle of non-commitment and perpetual victimhood. Dr. Laura Dywer, a child psychologist, said, “It’s essential that Ollie learns to assert boundaries now, or else he risks becoming the kind of adult who says they’ll start going to the gym next Monday for the rest of his life.”
As of press time, Johnny had administered yet another wedgie, reducing the countdown to just 5 or 6 more beatings before Ollie’s highly anticipated but thoroughly doubted retribution.
While the nation waits with bated breath, early reports suggest Ollie has also expressed interest in learning to play guitar and rock climbing someday when he gets around to it.
