Ticketmaster unveiled its revolutionary new “Pay-to-Play” daycare system today, in which parents can customize their child’s daily care experience based on a variety of subscription packages.
“We believe in personalization,” said Tiffany Floyd, director of the daycare division, “and what’s more personalized than putting a price tag on every single childhood experience?”
The “Bare Minimum Bronze” package, priced at a very affordable $300 per week, includes a single bedtime story (same story every time), daily servings of gruel, and exactly one lukewarm hug on Fridays. For an additional $5 a month, parents can choose the story’s theme, although preferred language and character development are not guaranteed.
“We call it the ‘Tease of Literacy’ add-on,” explained Floyd.
For those parents looking to splurge on their little ones, there’s the “Golden Child” package, coming in at a modest $1,000 per week. Children under this tier enjoy unlimited hugs, organic three-course meals, and one consequence-free opportunity per day to push a child subscribed to the Bronze package. It is also required that they are called “Mister” or “Madame” by their peers. There’s even a bonus: “The children are allowed to stand in the building while waiting for the bus or their ride unlike the Bronze bozos.” Floyd added with a wink.
There’s also the “Mid-Tier Mediocrity,” for those parents who can’t decide if they want their children to be popular or develop character. For $500 a week, children get three hugs, an occasional slice of pizza, and access to a window to watch Gold-tier children play.
But the customization doesn’t stop at basic packages. Ticketmaster offers add-ons for literally every aspect of the daycare:
Pillow Privilege: $10/month for a 1-inch-thick pillow during nap time.
Sip ‘n Slide: $30/month for access to all seven water fountains in the building with artisanal, locally sourced, gluten-free, non-GMO water. Otherwise, it’s BYOW or the hose out back.
Premium Potty Pass: $25/month for toilet paper and a personal attendant that provides inspirational coaching during bowel movements. “Or just go number 2 at home!” Floyd suggested.
VIP Crayon Collection: Commoners use lame, blandly named Roseart crayons. With this package, your child can draw with limited edition Crayola shades like “Billionaire Blue” and “Trust Fund Teal.”
“I love the pay-per-experience system,” gushed one mother. “My son, on the Bare Minimum Bronze, has learned the value of envy. I believe it’s preparing him for the crushing reality of adult life. Plus, that leaves more cash for me to take to the casino!”
Another father disagreed, “I tried to upgrade to the Mid-Tier Medley, but they said my credit score wasn’t high enough. Now my daughter’s friends won’t even look at her anymore.” One other father quipped, “Next thing you know, they’ll be offering a ‘Breath by Breath’ air package. Pay up, or your kid only gets half the oxygen.”
Floyd remains unphased by the critics. “Our business model represents the real world. Plus, I believe this will prepare them for all the bogus fees we add to ticket sales”
Ticketmaster is now accepting applications for the fall season.
