In an unprecedented move, 13-year-old Brandon “Tired Bones” Hayden announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from his longstanding position as Commander and Chief of Chores. Citing reasons of fatigue, mental decline, and bad… Read More »Teenage Boy Announces He Will Step Down from Chore Duties, Younger Sister Takes the Reins
Summer is here, and that means one thing: it’s time to watch in horror as your lawn turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Why fight it? Embrace the inevitable chaos with these five activities guaranteed to… Read More »5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn
KinderCare announced today that, effective immediately, the cost of child care will require parents to sacrifice an arm or a leg—possibly both if they desire premium services such as snacks, lunch, and sunscreen. “Given the… Read More »KinderCare Announces Daycare Costs Will Now Include an Arm, Leg, or Possibly Both
The U.S. Army is taking drastic measures to address dwindling enlistment numbers, they have taken recruiting efforts to new heights, or rather, new lows. In a scene that resembled some sort of absurd parody, military… Read More »Desperate Army Recruiters Visit Preschool, Sign Hundreds of New Recruits Who Don’t Understand the Seriousness of their Decision
The Schwarz household plummeted into chaos last Sunday morning when Duncan Schwarz, renowned for his extensive toy collection surpassing the thousand mark, made a surprising declaration this morning. Despite possessing a plethora of toys ranging… Read More »Child Boldly Claims Broken Toy Coincidentally His Favorite One
Local pregnant woman, Jocelyn Bellee, has devised a genius plan to reclaim her time and sanity during pregnancy. Bellee, 29, has reportedly saved hundreds of hours by designing and printing pamphlets containing answers to the… Read More »Woman Saves Countless Hours by Printing Pamphlets of Frequently Asked Questions About Her Pregnancy
In a move that has women all over the world baffled and bewildered, Hanes has announced the release of men’s underwear with pockets, basically delivering a slap in the face to women everywhere. In an… Read More »Hanes Releases Men’s Pocketed Underwear, Seen as a Slap in the Face to Women Everywhere
Applebee’s Date Night Pass
The hopes of one large family has been plunged into a nightmare. Their mother’s recent purchase of an extra large mixing bowl has crushed their hopes of ever escaping the dreaded bowl haircut that all… Read More »Siblings in Shock as Mom Buys Extra Large Bowl, Shattering Dreams of Escaping Dreaded Bowl Haircut
In a suburban home strikingly similar to every other house on the block, local mom Karen Patterson has reportedly issued her 487th consecutive threat that she will undoubtedly not follow through. Witnesses report that it’s… Read More »“Stop or I’ll Say Stop Again!” Yells Mom Known for Empty Threats
