Reports confirm that millions of children nationwide woke up at ungodly hours this morning, completely disregarding the extra hour of sleep afforded by the end of Daylight Savings Time. Instead, they took it upon themselves to ensure their parents didn’t get too accustomed to the antiquated concept known as rest.
“Sure, they say it’s about energy savings or helping farmers or whatever,” said Marissa Glenn, a mother of two in Ohio, who woke up Sunday morning at what the government insists is 5:30 AM but is actually 6:30 AM according to her toddler and infant’s internal clocks. “While the childless population enjoys the illusory benefit of an extra hour in bed, I’m slugging down my fifth cup of coffee this morning.”
“We could’ve been dreaming of a world where we don’t step on Legos or the sound of ‘Baby Shark’ is a distant memory,” lamented one parent, who chose to remain nameless for fear of their toddler’s retribution. “But no, the government has other plans.”
As the phenomenon unfolds, sleep-deprived parents have begun to note suspicious patterns. “It’s uncanny,” notes a bleary-eyed Dale Winkless, a parent from Colorado. “Every time we change the clocks, my kids somehow have more energy. It’s like they’re siphoning it from us. If this isn’t a conspiracy, I don’t know what is.”
In spring, parents express a special kind of dread for the ‘spring forward’ adjustment. “Lose an hour of sleep? Great, thanks, I needed that,” said Gary Yawnson, a father of triplets, sarcastically. “It’s not like I was using that hour for anything important – just maintaining my will to live.”
