Local man Greg Kelly found himself in an existential crisis Thursday evening, wondering whether his yearly date night with wife Emily warranted tucking in his shirt. This comes amid rumors that he might default to wearing his lawn mowing New Balance shoes unless given explicit directions otherwise.
“Listen, I just want to know what level of formal we’re talking about here,” Kelly said while sifting through a pile of wrinkled and somewhat clean clothes. “Is this a ‘nice-jeans-and-a-tee’ situation or are we talking full-on button-up?”
His wife, Emily, who was already an hour into doing her hair and makeup, sighed in disbelief at her husband’s lack of effort. “We go out once a year, Greg. Once. A year. Can’t you muster the willpower to pick out a shirt that doesn’t have holes in it?”
The Kellys rarely manage a night out due to their twin 4-year-olds, Lucy and Liam, who have the couple locked into an endless cycle of diaper changes, feedings, and sleep deprivation. “I hardly remember how to put on makeup anymore. This must be the first time my son Liam has seen me in makeup because he asked me why my eyes looked funny..” Emily said.
Greg defended his laid-back approach, claiming that the very act of buttoning a shirt has become too laborious. “Do you know how exhausting it is to make sure all the buttons line up correctly? I can barely stay awake past 8:30 PM. And hey, I shaved last week. What more do you want?”
Greg’s existential dread reached new heights as he debated for his choice of footwear. “I could wear my Crocs. They have that sport mode, you know, for when things get serious.” When asked whether he planned to wear socks with his Crocs, he replied, “Well, yeah, my feet stink and I haven’t showered today.”
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Holm weighed in on the matter, stating that this scenario is not uncommon among parents of young children. “The juxtaposition between a mother who dreams of an enchanting evening and a father who sees the event as an obligation instead of a romantic time is right out of a sitcom—or a divorce court.”
At press time, sources confirm that Greg settled for a red polo shirt, untucked, with jeans, while Emily dressed up as if she were about to walk the red carpet. “I considered tucking in my shirt, I really did,” Greg said, “but then I made sure my socks actually match today so that’s something.”
When the babysitter arrived, she felt the tension between the Kellys. “Will you be dining at Chili’s or Applebees tonight?” the babysitter inquired. As they headed out, Emily handed the babysitter a list of emergency contacts, which she had laminated to signify its importance. “Call us if there’s an emergency,” she said, giving her husband a look that implied another sort of emergency would be pending if he ever suggested Crocs for date night again.
Meanwhile, Greg couldn’t help but feel proud. “See, I knew this was a casual thing, I’m glad we could come to an agreement on going to Applebee’s” he said, blissfully unaware that his wife had already made a mental note to throw out a good portion of his old, tattered clothes when he’s not looking.
