Ten-year-old Simon Sess, unfortunately named after a classic children’s game, expressed his deep hatred for his name. Due to the relentless teasing centered around “Simon Says,” the child is now considering changing his name to something cool that can’t be teased like Rover or Chase.
“Every single day,” laments Simon, “I could be minding my own business when someone will shout, ‘Simon says touch your nose!’ and then everyone starts laughing.
Classmates argue that it’s all in good fun. “I mean, why doesn’t he say “Simon Says don’t make fun of my name.” I can’t believe he hasn’t thought of that yet.” says Eileen Dover, a classmate who is known to always follow the rules of a game. “Some people have funny names and they’re just going to have to come to terms with it.”
Simon’s parents, Tag and Bingo Sess, originally chose the name aiming for something “classic and timeless.” They did not anticipate their son being linked to a game that has tormented many a child for decades. “We could have gone with Michael or James, but no, we just had to pick Simon,” laments Bingo, “Now that I think of it, we should have known better than to name him after a children’s game.”
Simon’s daily challenges aren’t restricted to the classroom. They spill into his physical education lessons, where “Simon Says” has become an unexpected hit. Coach Ollie Tabooger explained, “Look, Simon says he doesn’t like playing the game but all the other kids do so am I supposed to ban it? It’s an excellent way to get your heart rate up. Plus, it’s hilarious.”
Distraught by the constant jabs, Simon has decided to embark on a mission to make another children’s game popular. “I’m pushing for Duck Duck Gray Duck so other kids will tease Grayson Ducks. There has to be a way to deflect all this teasing onto another unsuspecting classmate.”
Surprisingly, the trend of children being named after games appears to be on the rise. Just last week, a family made headlines when they named their twins ‘Rock’ and ‘Paper.’ Young Rock, when asked about his unique name, said, “It’s alright, but everyone keeps asking where ‘Scissors’ is.” Unfortunately, when the twins encountered a classmate named Sheila Scissors, chaos ensued. School officials are now contemplating the introduction of a “Name Guidance Counselor” to help parents think twice before they unintentionally sign their child up for a lifetime of puns and playful jabs.
When reached for comment about his feelings on the name-related teasing, local 11-year-old Marco had this to add: “Polo.”
At the close of our interview, our reporter whispered, “Simon says, be proud of your name.” Simon couldn’t help but smile.
