This week, a groundbreaking advancement in drone technology has overbearing parents nationwide sighing in relief and children hiding in terror. Drone manufacturer HoverHawk released their latest product: the Helicopter Parent, a drone designed to provide around-the-clock, relentless supervision of your soon to be traumatized children.
The Helicopter Parent, a sleek black quadcopter, comes equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, including 4K cameras, facial recognition, and a megaphone for issuing real-time scoldings from your smartphone.
The new drone can hover silently or employ a “gentle hum” setting for those who prefer a more constant, oppressive presence, also features thermal imaging for night-time monitoring and a proximity alert system that sounds an alarm if a child steps outside a designated area, such as their front yard, school, or out of arm’s reach of a parent.
Oppressive parents who have tested the device are ecstatic. “I used to spend so much time worrying about little Timmy,” said Pamela Smotherly of Des Moines. “But now, I just check the live feed on my phone every three minutes and shout at him through the drone if he looks like he’s about to do anything remotely fun.
“Our mission is simple,” said HoverHawk CEO Karen Hoverguard. “We want to ensure that parents never have to worry about what their children are doing ever again. And by ‘never,’ we mean NEVER.”
The drone also features an AI nagging system that employs advanced algorithms to generate repetitive guilt trips and reminders based on historical data. “It’s like having my own mom in the sky, reminding me to be careful and to cover my cough,” said 8-year-old victim, er, user, Tim Smotherly.
Despite the controversy, sales have been booming. HoverHawk has already announced plans for their next product: the Tiger Mom Drone, which will employ electric shocks to children scoring a B+ or lower on tests and will constantly push them to master piano.
For now, children across America are advised to smile and wave at the sky—Big Mom is watching.
